I am suffering from depression. I know it. My doctor, however, does not think so. She seems to think I have SAD or seasonal affective disorder. She won't give me my antidepressant medication anymore. I have to make an appointment with a shrink. The problem is that the depression combined with ADD means I have the intention but don't seem to be able to put it in practice. When I have days off I just sleep or lay around. I don't do anything anymore. I don't do laundry until I have no clean underwear left. I don't cook unless I have no choice. I don't clean. I don't spend time with old friends. I don't do anything. I don't have desire to do anything.
I want to.
I want to exercise.
I want to visit friends.
I want to clean my house.
I want to do a lot of things.
I just can't do anything. The desire is not counter balanced by the energy or the will power. I don't know how to deal with it. Another issue is the cost. If I go to a shrink I have a co-pay and a deductible. Then the meds have a co-pay. I am already drowning in debt. It may not look like a lot of debt to most people. But if I cannot pay my rent or fall behind on utilities that is debt. I only have one credit card but it is maxed out at $500. I do have phone and cable bills though. I thought about discontinuing my cable but it is my only entertainment. Maybe if I did I would do something else? Maybe I would just sleep. Maybe I would read more? I don't know. I just don't know.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Remembering the ridge
This is one of the stories from our walk from Tirah to Afghanistan.
We woke up after spending the night on a yellow blanketed hillside. There was a huge variety of flowers but they all seemed to be shades of yellow. It was early in the spring. The night air was really cold. All I had to protect my babies was my large scarf and my body. I had wrapped them up with me for the night. I lay still until my little girls woke up. It was enough that we were on the bare ground out in the open.
We opened a can of tuna and ate it rolled up with some leaves someone had picked. The tangy leaves made the tuna really good. When you are that hungry everything tastes good. We drank water from the stream, filled the baby's bottle with water and began to walk again.
The mountains were beautiful. The trees magnificent, the weather brisk enough that we did not get hot walking for hours. We snacked on wild fruits and berries as we walked.
We came to a spot where we had to cross a ledge that was barely six inches wide and had water running through it. It was the only way to go. One by one we crossed the ledge holding the hand of one person while reaching for the hand of the one on the other side. No one looked down. It was more than 100 feet down. The bottom was a rocky tumble of animal skeletons, those whose obvious missteps landed them down there.
I crossed. Next was my 7 year old daughter. I looked her in the eye and told her to keep her eyes locked with mine. She crossed safely. Next was my almost 4-year-old daughter. Again I had her keep looking at me and she reached me safely. Next was my husband. He had our almost 1-year-old on his shoulders and a rifle in one hand. I asked him to hand me the rifle before starting. He said he was fine. He took one step, then another. The third was into thin air. The ridge had given out under him. He was dangling there with the barrel of the rifle jammed into the muddy soil. The other hand had our baby by her foot. No one screamed. No one even breathed. Any second I could lose my husband and my baby.
Two men reached down. One grabbed my daughter's other foot and pulled her up. The other grabbed my husband's sleeve and helped him pull himself up. Once they were safe we all breathed again. The last few crossed and we sat on the side of the path. I still could not speak. I held my daughter and cried. I had almost lost her. I knew I would always remember this day.
She is almost 17 years old now. I still remember the day I almost lost her and thank God for every day of her life.
We woke up after spending the night on a yellow blanketed hillside. There was a huge variety of flowers but they all seemed to be shades of yellow. It was early in the spring. The night air was really cold. All I had to protect my babies was my large scarf and my body. I had wrapped them up with me for the night. I lay still until my little girls woke up. It was enough that we were on the bare ground out in the open.
We opened a can of tuna and ate it rolled up with some leaves someone had picked. The tangy leaves made the tuna really good. When you are that hungry everything tastes good. We drank water from the stream, filled the baby's bottle with water and began to walk again.
The mountains were beautiful. The trees magnificent, the weather brisk enough that we did not get hot walking for hours. We snacked on wild fruits and berries as we walked.
We came to a spot where we had to cross a ledge that was barely six inches wide and had water running through it. It was the only way to go. One by one we crossed the ledge holding the hand of one person while reaching for the hand of the one on the other side. No one looked down. It was more than 100 feet down. The bottom was a rocky tumble of animal skeletons, those whose obvious missteps landed them down there.
I crossed. Next was my 7 year old daughter. I looked her in the eye and told her to keep her eyes locked with mine. She crossed safely. Next was my almost 4-year-old daughter. Again I had her keep looking at me and she reached me safely. Next was my husband. He had our almost 1-year-old on his shoulders and a rifle in one hand. I asked him to hand me the rifle before starting. He said he was fine. He took one step, then another. The third was into thin air. The ridge had given out under him. He was dangling there with the barrel of the rifle jammed into the muddy soil. The other hand had our baby by her foot. No one screamed. No one even breathed. Any second I could lose my husband and my baby.
Two men reached down. One grabbed my daughter's other foot and pulled her up. The other grabbed my husband's sleeve and helped him pull himself up. Once they were safe we all breathed again. The last few crossed and we sat on the side of the path. I still could not speak. I held my daughter and cried. I had almost lost her. I knew I would always remember this day.
She is almost 17 years old now. I still remember the day I almost lost her and thank God for every day of her life.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
At work
One of the things I love about working in the Emergency Department is the variety. I see a little of everything. Some are really sad, like a suicidal veteran or an abused woman or child. There are funny things too, like the plethora of drama queens of both sexes.
Not long ago I had a drag queen who thanked me for not giggling at his glittery goldfish panties. Oh well, to each his/her own.
Mostly I get irritated by people who come in by ambulance for complaints like a headache, toothache or stomach ache. Come on! This is why health insurance costs so much. People abuse the system all the time. There has to be a way to stop it.
Ambulance crews cannot refuse to take someone to the hospital if they call. That is the law! I think they should be allowed to make the decision under the order of the medical director from the hospital they are serving.
I also think we should refuse to care for patients if they cannot prove they are in the US legally. We spend fortunes on medical care for illegal immigrants.
We give free medical care to pregnant illegal aliens, then give their children citizenship and welfare. However, my daughter, who was born in the US of US born parents cannot give US citizenship to her children because they were born after she had been outside of the US for more than four months before she turned 14 years old. Now that sucks.
I am just venting here but there has to be some fairness in the world.
I am all for granting citizenship to people who come to the country legally and follow the laws. However, illegally entering the country then working illegally then having babies on welfare?? There is no fairness there.
I think I am getting off the soap box for tonight.
Not long ago I had a drag queen who thanked me for not giggling at his glittery goldfish panties. Oh well, to each his/her own.
Mostly I get irritated by people who come in by ambulance for complaints like a headache, toothache or stomach ache. Come on! This is why health insurance costs so much. People abuse the system all the time. There has to be a way to stop it.
Ambulance crews cannot refuse to take someone to the hospital if they call. That is the law! I think they should be allowed to make the decision under the order of the medical director from the hospital they are serving.
I also think we should refuse to care for patients if they cannot prove they are in the US legally. We spend fortunes on medical care for illegal immigrants.
We give free medical care to pregnant illegal aliens, then give their children citizenship and welfare. However, my daughter, who was born in the US of US born parents cannot give US citizenship to her children because they were born after she had been outside of the US for more than four months before she turned 14 years old. Now that sucks.
I am just venting here but there has to be some fairness in the world.
I am all for granting citizenship to people who come to the country legally and follow the laws. However, illegally entering the country then working illegally then having babies on welfare?? There is no fairness there.
I think I am getting off the soap box for tonight.
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